“Pepper Spray”: That classic Christmas tune

Dear Reader, this was originally published in my newspaper column an entire lifetime ago on December 8, 2011

All I know is what I read in the paper.

Actually, that’s a quote from humorist, Will Rogers.  I love that guy.  He should have never gone on that airplane ride which led to his untimely death.  Almost all I know comes from what I read in my local newspaper.  I don’t have the time to commit to a metro newspaper and I still have trouble getting excited about reading my news online.  I don’t watch the TV news, as it’s too distracting and depressing.  Sometimes not knowing what’s going on in the world is a problem but most of the time, it might be a blessing.

So imagine my surprise when the Sunday after Thanksgiving our pastor mentioned that shoppers on Black Friday had been pepper sprayed.  Nobody else in the congregations seemed too shocked.  (They must all have cable TV.)  But as someone who doesn’t have cable, I about fell over in my pew.  I don’t know all the details, but I guess some lady was bound and determined she was going to get a whale of a deal on an Xbox so she pepper sprayed the other customers to hold them at bay.  I’m fairly certains she was not counting on a court appearance accompanying her Xbox purchase.  Merry Christmas!

Surely we haven’t come to this, have we?  Have we drawn a line in the sand and said our “stuff” is more important than people?  

Truth be told, I’ve carried around my share of pepper spray and I wouldn’t hesitate to use it on you if you tried to hurt my children or steal my purse.  I can pledge beyond a shadow of a doubt that I won’t use it on you if you’re shopping–even if I arrive just a few seconds too late to get the best deal on “stuff.”

So in honor of all the mayhem, I’ve composed a new holiday classic. A song which will surely resonate in the hearts of all of us across the world.  (Dear Reader, please sing it to the tune of “Silver Bells.”)

Pepper Spray

Lyrics by Amy J. Jagger

Verse 1:  City sidewalks, busy sidewalks, just get out of my way.

I’m a shopper in search of a bargain.

So I’ll go hunt, for what I want, with no thought to my ways,

If you mess with me, here’s what you’ll feel–

Chorus: Pepper spray.  Pepper spray.  It’s Chrstmas time in this country.

I’ll knock you down!  Get out of town!

Soon it will be Christmas day.

Verse 2:  Children crying, people buying, gifts they cannot afford.

It’s OK we’ll just pay with our plastic.

Hear the snow crunch, watch for my punch

Soon you’ll be black and blue,

And above all the bustle, you’ll feel–

(Sing it loud and clear, Dear Reader!)

Chorus:  Pepper spray.  Pepper spray.  It’s Christmas time in this country.  I’ll knock you down!  Just get out of town!

Soon it will be Christmas day.

This was written entirely with my tongue wedged firmly in my cheek.  Until the next Wednesday, the Lord allows.  And if you decide to go shopping this Friday, please take care, Dear Reader.