Holiday Tune: Pepper Spray!

Dear Reader, I thought I’d show a little bit of my ornery side this December.  Here is an article which originally appeared in my newspaper column on December 8, 2011.

All I know is what I read in the paper.  Actually, that’s a quote from humorist, Will Rogers.  I love that guy. He should have never gone on that airplane ride which led to his untimely death.  

Almost all I know comes from what I read in my local newspaper  I don’t have time to commit to a metro newspaper and I still have trouble getting excited about reading my news via computer.  I don’t watch the TV news, as it’s too distracting and depressing.  (Yes, I said that eight years ago, folks!)

Sometimes not knowing what’s going on in the world is a problem, but most of the time, it might be a blessing.

So imagine my surprise when the Sunday after Thanksgiving our pastor mentioned some shoppers on Black Friday had been pepper sprayed.  Nobody else seemed too shocked. (Most of the congregation must have cable TV.) I don’t know all the details, but I guess some lady was bound and determined she was going to get a whale of a deal on an Xbox so she pepper sprayed the other customers to hold them at bay.  I’m fairly certain she was not counting on a court appearance accompanying her Xbox purchase. Merry Christmas!

Surely we haven’t come to this, have we?  Have we drawn a line in the sand and said our “stuff” is more important than people?

Truth be told, I’ve carried around my share of pepper spray and I wouldn’t hesitate to use it on you if you tried to hurt my children or steal my purse.  I can pledge beyond a shadow of a doubt, I won’t use it on you if you’re shopping, even if I arrive just a few seconds too late to get the best deal on “stuff.”

So in honor of all the mayhem, I’ve composed a new holiday classic – a song, which will surely resonate in the hearts of all Americans.  Please sing it to the tune of “Silver Bells.”

PEPPER SPRAY – Lyrics by Amy J. Jagger

Verse 1:  City sidewalks, busy sidewalks, just get out of my way.

I’m a shopper in search of a bargain.

So I’ll go hunt for what I want, with no thought to my ways,

If you mess with me, here’s what you’ll feel–

Chorus:  Pepper spray!  Pepper spray! It’s Christmas time in this country.

I’ll knock you down!  Get out of town!

Soon it will be Christmas day,

Verse 2:  Children crying people buying; gifts they cannot afford.

It’s OK we’ll just pay with our plastic.

Hear the snow crunch, watch for my punch,

Soon you’ll be black and blue,

And above all the bustle, you’ll feel–

Chorus:  Pepper spray!  Pepper spray! It’s Christmas time in our country.

I’ll knock you down!  Get out of town!

Soon it will be Christmas day.

Until the next Wednesday, the Lord allows  Thanks so much for following the blog. 

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